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knew that only the cipher of him was there; nothing was filled
in。 He went to the theatre; what he heard and saw fell upon a
cold surface of consciousness; which was now all that he was;
there was nothing behind it; he could have no experience of any
sort。 Mechanical registering took place in him; no more。 He had
no being; no contents。 Neither had the people he came into
contact with。 They were mere permutations of known quantities。
There was no roundness or fullness in this world he now
inhabited; everything was a dead shape mental arrangement;
without life or being。
Much of the time; he was with friends and rades。 Then he
forgot everything。 Their activities made up for his own
negation; they engaged his negative horror。
He only became happy when he drank; and he drank a good deal。
Then he was just the opposite to what he had been。 He became a
warm; diffuse; glowing cloud; in a warm; diffuse formless
fashion。 Everything melted down into a rosy glow; and he was the
glow; and everything was the glow; everybody else was the glow;
and it was very nice; very nice。 He would sing songs; it was so
nice。
Ursula went back to Beldover shut and firm。 She loved
Skrebensky; of that she was resolved。 She would allow nothing
else。
She read his long; obsessed letter about getting married and
going to India; without any particular response。 She seemed to
ignore what he said about marriage。 It did not e home to her。
He seemed; throughout the greater part of his letter; to be
talking without much meaning。
She replied to him pleasantly and easily。 She rarely wrote
long letters。
India sounds lovely。 I can just see myself on an elephant
swaying between lanes of obsequious natives。 But I dont know if
father would let me go。 We must see。
I keep living over again the lovely times we have had。 But I
dont think you liked me quite so much towards the end; did you?
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