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第29部分（第1页）

；　&c。　In　short；　I　began　the　process　of　ruining　myself　in　the　received　style；　like　any　other　spoony。　I　had　not；　it　seems；　the　originality　to　chalk　out　a　new　road　to　shame　and　destruction；　but　trode　the　old　track　with　stupid　exactness　not　to　deviate　an　inch　from　the　beaten　centre。　I　had—as　I　deserved　to　have—the　fate　of　all　other　spoonies。　Happening　to　call　one　evening　when　Céline　did　not　expect　me；　I　found　her　out；　but　it　was　a　warm　night；　and　I　was　tired　with　strolling　through　Paris；　so　I　sat　down　in　her　boudoir；　happy　to　breathe　the　air　consecrated　so　lately　by　her　presence。　No；—I　exaggerate；　I　never　thought　there　was　any　consecrating　virtue　about　her：　it　was　rather　a　sort　of　pastille　perfume　she　had　left；　a　scent　of　musk　and　amber；　than　an　odour　of　sanctity。　I　was　just　beginning　to　stifle　with　the　fumes　of　conservatory　flowers　and　sprinkled　essences；　when　I　bethought　myself　to　open　the　window　and　step　out　on　to　the　balcony。　It　was　moonlight　and　gaslight　besides；　and　very　still　and　serene。　The　balcony　was　furnished　with　a　chair　or　two；　I　sat　down；　and　took　out　a　cigar；—I　will　take　one　now；　if　you　will　excuse　me。”

Here　ensued　a　pause；　filled　up　by　the　producing　and　lighting　of　a　cigar；　having　placed　it　to　his　lips　and　breathed　a　trail　of　Havannah　incense　on　the　freezing　and　sunless　air；　he　went　on—

“I　liked　bonbons　too　in　those　days；　Miss　Eyre；　and　I　was　croquant—　（overlook　the　barbarism）—croquant　chocolate　fits；　and　smoking　alternately；　watching　meantime　the　equipages　that　rolled　along　the　fashionable　streets　towards　the　neighbouring　opera…house；　when　in　an　elegant　close　carriage　drawn　by　a　beautiful　pair　of　English　horses；　and　distinctly　seen　in　the　brilliant　city…night；　I　recognised　the　‘voiture’　I　had　given　Céline。　She　was　returning：　of　course　my　heart　thumped　with　impatience　against　the　iron　rails　I　leant　upon。　The　carriage　stopped；　as　I　had　expected；　at　the　hotel　door；　my　flame　（that　is　the　very　word　for　an　opera　inamorata）　alighted：　though　muffed　in　a　cloak—an　unnecessary　encumbrance；　by…the…bye；　on　so　warm　a　June　evening—I　knew　her　instantly　by　her　little　foot；　seen　peeping　from　the　skirt　of　her　dress；　as　she　skipped　from　the　carriage…step。　Bending　over　the　balcony；　I　was　about　to　murmur　‘Mon　ange’—in　a　tone；　of　course；　which　should　be　audible　to　the　ear　of　love　alone—when　a　figure　jumped　from　the　carriage　after　her；　cloaked　also；　but　that　was　a　spurred　heel　which　had　rung　on　the　pavement；　and　that　was　a　hatted　head　which　now　passed　under　the　arched　porte　cochère　of　the　hotel。

“You　never　felt　jealousy；　did　you；　Miss　Eyre？　Of　course　not：　I　need　not　ask　you；　because　you　never　felt　love。　You　have　both　sentiments　yet　to　experience：　your　soul　sleeps；　the　shock　is　yet　to　be　given　which　shall　waken　it。　You　think　all　existence　lapses　in　as　quiet　a　flow　as　that　in　which　your　youth　has　hitherto　slid　away。　Floating　on　with　closed　eyes　and　muffled　ears；　you　neither　see　the　rocks　bristling　not　far　off　in　the　bed　of　the　flood；　nor　hear　the　breakers　boil　at　their　base。　But　I　tell　you—and　you　may　mark　my　words—you　will　e　some　day　to　a　craggy　pass　in　the　channel；　where　the　whole　of　life’s　stream　will　be　broken　up　into　whirl　and　tumult；　foam　and　noise：　either　you　will　be　dashed　to　atoms　on　crag　points；　or　lifted　up　and　borne　on　by　some　master…wave　into　a　calmer　current—as　I　am　now。

“I　like　this　day；　I　like　that　sky　of　steel；　I　like　the　sternness　and　stillness　of　the　world　under　this　frost。　I　like　Thornfield；　its　antiquity；　its　retirement；　its　old　crow…trees　and　thorn…trees；　its　grey　facade；　and　lines　of　dark　windows　reflecting　that　metal　welkin：　and　yet　how　long　have　I　abhorred　the　very　thought　of　it；　shunned　it　like　a　great　plague…house？　How　I　do　still　abhor　—”

He　ground　his　teeth　and　was　silent：　he　arrested　his　step　and　struck　his　boot　against　the　hard　ground。　Some　hated　thought　seemed　to　have　him　in　its　grip；　and　to　hold　him　so　tightly　that　he　could　not　advance。

We　were　ascending　the　avenue　when　he　thus　paused；　the　hall　was　before　us。　Lifting　his　eye　to　its　battlements；　he　cast　over　them　a　glare　such　as　I　never　saw　before　or　since。　Pain；　shame；　ire；　impatience；　disgust；　detestation；　seemed　momentarily　to　hold　a　quivering　conflict　in　the　large　pupil　dilating　under　his　ebon　eyebrow。　Wild　was　the　wrestle　which　should　be　paramount；　but　another　feeling　rose　and　triumphed：　something　hard　and　cynical：　self…willed　and　resolute：　it　settled　his　passion　and　petrified　his　countenance：　he　went　on—

“During　the　moment　I　was　silent；　Miss　Eyre；　I　was　arranging　a　point　with　my　destiny。　She　stood　there；　by　that　beech…trunk—a　hag　like　one　of　those　who　appeared　to　Macbeth　on　the　heath　of　Forres。　‘You　like　Thornfield？’　she　said；　lifting　her　finger；　and　then　she　wrote　in　the　air　a　memento；　which　ran　in　lurid　hieroglyphics　all　along　the　house…front；　between　the　upper　and　lower　row　of　windows；　‘Like　it　if　you　can！　Like　it　if　you　dare！’

“‘I　will　like　it；’　said　I；　‘I　dare　like　it；’　and”　（he　subjoined　moodily）　“I　will　keep　my　word；　I　will　break　obstacles　to　happiness；　to　goodness—yes；　goodness。　I　wish　to　be　a　better　man　than　I　have　been；　than　I　am；　as　Job’s　leviathan　broke　the　spear；　the　dart；　and　the　habergeon；　hindrances　which　others　count　as　iron　and　brass；　I　will　esteem　but　straw　and　rotten　wood。”

Adèle　here　ran　before　him　with　her　shuttlecock。　“Away！”　he　cried　harshly；　“keep　at　a　distance；　child；　or　go　in　to　Sophie！”　Continuing　then　to　pursue　his　walk　in　silence；　I　ventured　to　recall　him　to　the　point　whence　he　had　abruptly　diverged—

“Did　you　leave　the　balcony；　sir；”　I　asked；　“when　Mdlle。　Varens　entered？”

I　almost　expected　a　rebuff　for　this　hardly　well…timed　question；　but；　on　the　contrary；　waking　out　of　his　scowling　abstraction；　he　turned　his　eyes　towards　me；　and　the　shade　seemed　to　clear　off　his　brow。　“Oh；　I　had　forgotten　Céline！　Well；　to　resume。　When　I　saw　my　charmer　thus　e　in　acpanied　by　a　cavalier；　I　seemed　to　hear　a　hiss；　and　the　green　snake　of　jealousy；　rising　on　undulating　coils　from　the　moonlit　balcony；　glided　within　my　waistcoat；　and　ate　its　way　in　two　minutes　to　my　heart’s　core。　Strange！”　he　exclaimed；　suddenly　starting　again　from　the　point。　“Strange　that　I　should　choose　you　for　the　confidant　of　all　this；　young　lady；　passing　strange　that　you　should　listen　to　me　quietly；　as　if　it　were　the　most　usual　thing　in　the　world　for　a　man　like　me　to　tell　stories　of　his　opera…mistresses　to　a　quaint；　inexperienced　girl　like　you！　But　the　last　singularity　explains　the　first；　as　I　intimated　once　before：　you；　with　your　gravity；　considerateness；　and　caution　were　made　to　be　the　recipient　of　secrets。　Besides；　I　know　what　sort　of　a　mind　I　have　placed　in　munication　with　my　own：　I　know　it　is　one　not　liable　to　take　infection：　it　is　a　peculiar　mind：　it　is　a　unique　one。　Happily　I　do　not　mean　to　harm　it：　but；　if　I　did；　it　would　not　take　harm　from　me。　The　more　you　and　I　converse；　the　better；　for　while　I　cannot　blight　you；　you　may　refresh　me。”　After　this　digression　he　proceeded—

“I　remained　in　the　balcony。　‘They　will　e　to　her　boudoir；　no　doubt；’　thought　I：　‘let　me　prepare　an　ambush。’　So　putting　my　hand　in　through　the　open　window；　I　drew　the　curtain　over　it；　leaving　only　an　opening　through　which　I　could　take　observations；　then　I　closed　the　casement；　all　but　a　chink　just　wide　enough　to　furnish　an　outlet　to　lovers’　whispered　vows：　then　I　stole　back　to　my　chair；　and　as　I　resumed　it　the　pair　came　in。　My　eye　was　quickly　at　the　aperture。　Céline’s　chamber…maid　entered；　lit　a　lamp；　left　it　on　the　table；　and　withdrew。　The　couple　were　thus　revealed　to　me　clearly：　both　removed　their　cloaks；　and　there　was　‘the　Varens；’　shining　in　satin　and　jewels；—my　gifts　of　course；—and　there　was　her　panion　in　an　officer’s　uniform；　and　I　knew　him　for　a　young　roue　of　a　vite—a　brainless　and　vicious　youth　whom　I　had　sometimes　met　in　society；　and　had　never　thought　of　hating　because　I　despised　him　so　absolutely。　On　recognising　him；　the　fang　of　the　snake　Jealousy　was　instantly　broken；　because　at　the　same　moment　my　love　for　Céline　sank　under　an　extinguisher。　A　woman　who　could　betray　me　for　such　a　rival　was　not　worth　contending　for；　she　deserved　only　scorn；　less；　however；　than　I；　who　had　been　her　dupe。

“They　began　to　talk；　their　conversation　eased　me　pletely：　frivolous；　mercenary；　heartless；　and　senseless；　it　was　rather　calculated　to　weary　than　enrage　a　listener。　A　card　of　mine　lay　on　the　table；　this　being　perceived；　brought　my　name　under　discussion。　Neither　of　them　possessed　energy　or　wit　to　belabour　me　soundly；　but　they　insulted　me　as　coarsely　as　they　could　in　their　little　way：　especially　Céline；　who　even　waxed　rather　brilliant　on　my　personal　defects—deformities　she　termed　them。　Now　it　had　been　her　custom　to　launch　out　into　fervent　admiration　of　what　she　called　my　‘beauté　male：’　wherein　she　differed　diametrically　from　you；　who　told　me　point…blank；　at　the　second　interview；　that　you　did　not　think　me　handsome。　The　contrast　struck　me　at　the　time　and—”

Adèle　here　came　running　up　again。

“Monsieur；　John　has　just　been　to　say　that　your　agent　has　called　and　wishes　to　see　you。”

“Ah！　in　that　case　I　must　abridge。　Opening　the　window；　I　walked　in　upon　them；　liberated　Céline　from　my　protection；　gave　her　notice　to　vacate　her　hotel；　offered　her　a　purse　for　immediate　exigencies；　disregarded　screams；　hysterics；　prayers；　protestations；　convulsions；　made　an　appointment　with　the　vite　for　a　meeting　at　the　Bois　de　Boulogne。　Next　morning　I　had　the　pleasure　of　encountering　him；　left　a　bullet　in　one　of　his　poor　etiolated　arms；　feeble　as　the　wing　of　a　chicken　in　the　pip；　and　then　thought　I　had　done　with　the　whole　crew。　But　unluckily　the　Varens；　six　months　before；　had　given　me　this　filette　Adèle；　who；　she　affirmed；　was　my　daughter；　and　perhaps　she　may　be；　though　I　see　no　proofs　of　such　grim　paternity　written　in　her　countenance：　Pilot　is　more　like　me　than　she。　Some　years　after　I　had　broken　with　the　mother；　she　abandoned　her　child；　and　ran　away　to　Italy　with　a　musician　or　singer。　I　acknowledged　no　natural　claim　on　Adèle’s　part　to　be　supported　by　me；　nor　do　I　now　acknowledge　any；　for　I　am　not　her　father；　but　hearing　that　she　was　quite　destitute；　I　e’en　took　the　poor　thing　out　of　the　slime　and　mud　of　Paris；　and　transplanted　it　here；　to　grow　up　clean　in　the　wholesome　soil　of　an　English　country　garden。　Mrs。　Fairfax　found　you　to　train　it；　but　now　you　know　that　it　is　the　illegitimate　offspring　of　a　French　opera…　girl；　you　will　perhaps　think　differently　of　your　post　and　protégée：　you　will　be　ing　to　me　some　day　with　notice　that　you　have　found　another　place—that　you　beg　me　to　look　out　for　a　new　governess；　&c。—Eh？”

“No：　Adèle　is　not　answerable　for　either　her　mother’s　faults　or　yours：　I　have　a　regard　for　her；　and　now　that　I　know　she　is；　in　a　sense；　parentless—forsaken　by　her　mother　and　disowned　by　you；　sir—　I　shall　cling　closer　to　her　than　before。　How　could　I　possibly　prefer　the　spoilt　pet　of　a　wealthy　family；　who　would　hate　her　governess　as　a　nuisance；　to　a　lonely　little　orphan；　who　leans　towards　her　as　a　friend？”

“Oh；　that　is　the　light　in　which　you　view　it！　Well；　I　must　go　in　now；　and　you　too：　it　darkens。”

But　I　stayed　out　a　few　minutes　longer　with　Adèle　and　Pilot—ran　a　race　with　her；　and　played　a　game　of　battledore　and　shuttlecock。　When　we　went

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